Maybe you would have been a blonde with blue eyes like your big brother.
Or maybe you would have had brown hair and eyes like your sisters.
Maybe you would have requested a dinosaur themed birthday party.
Or maybe it would have been construction, some superhero or lego theme.
Maybe you would have been a Mets and Patriots fan like your dad.
Or maybe you would have rooted for the go go White Sox like me.
Maybe you would have freckles, or as we call them “Angel Kisses”, sprinkled around your nose.
Or maybe you would have a crooked smile like me or a contagious belly laugh like Barbara, Tommy & Katie.
I’m sorry I don’t always tell people about you…
People often ask me “how many kids do you have?”
I say 3 instead of 4. It tugs at my heart every time. It feels like a lie.
My answer is often because I’m worried about the person asking…
I worry sharing losing you will be more than what they asked for…
I worry people will pull away from me because they don’t know what to say.
And selfishly, I desperately need the support and kindness of others.
A book publisher recently passed on my book proposal, only validating my worry…
“No one will buy a book about child loss. It’s too sad, people won’t read it.”
This definitely does not stop me from having your story shared. Maybe just not with that publisher.There are far too many mothers suffering in silence and our story is for them.
Your life and spirit play such an important part of our family, our story.
Your siblings include you in every prayer and every family portrait, often with a halo or wings floating alongside of us.
Your Godmother’s windchime hangs in your garden in our backyard, singing along during water play, imaginary play, every birthday party…a gentle reminder you are there with us.
Your Uncle Tony’s engraved stone in his yard acts as a memorial stone for our Chicago family.
Your dad honors you every day with committing to being the most incredible, dedicated, hands-on dad to your brother and sisters. He’s pretty fantastic.
Me? I keep you forever in my heart and in an engraved ring or necklace, in a book and prayer at bedtime, in a song, in every silent tear alone in the car or closet, in every comforting embrace, in every cuddle wishing that I could wrap you in my arms too.
As my favorite children’s book, Wherever You Are My Love Will Find You by Nancy Tillman would say…
“You are my angel, my darling, my star. And my love will find you wherever you are.”
Happy 5th Birthday in Heaven my sweet, precious Scotland!
You are loved.