The 5 Star Concierge Mom

My services include, but not limited to:
Travel – When exiting a vehicle, I will often find myself carrying 4 various bags, 3 leftover sippy cups, 2 pairs of shoes and a partridge in a pear tree. Meanwhile my handsfree child refuses to exit said vehicle unless I carry them into the house. When traveling via plane, it is suggested to provide individually packed suitcases full of crap… I mean engaging learning materials with 50 piece sets that repeatedly drop on the pristine plane floor which results in me leaning over 3 plane seats and tray tables full of preferred refreshments as I look for the cap to the blue marker that will inevitably get left on said plane. After about 23mins into flight, I succomb to the back-up technology that I swore would only be used as a last resort. Travel Warning Advisory! If you attempt to pack only a single set of headphones for your children to “share” prepare yourself for a turbulant ride!

Beneath those smiles are travel barbarians.
Mealtime – While one child will only eat his egg sandwhich unless there are no egg particles sticking out of the crusty (yet not burnt) toast, another child refuses eggs altogether insisting that today I miraculously grow a gluten-free donut out of my ass. And let’s not forget the toddler that drops every delicious bite of expensive meat, eggs, cheese, fresh fruit and vegetables on the floor for our dog to quickly snatch up while simultaneously throwing a level 5 hurricane tantrum because I won’t allow her to eat dogfood and suck all the savory juices out of said dog’s doggie treats. (gag)

There’s no place she’d rather be than relishing in the dog bowls.
Bathtime – After a fulfilling meal, children are then pampered with a soothing lavendar bath. This luxurious ammenity quickly results in a minor flood of bathroom floor because they used that damn trenta cup from Starbucks to dump water out of the tub. Nothing quite like prolonging bath time as I reclaim my floor resulting in kids hands and feet looking more E.T. than human.

Do not allow her cuteness to fool you… she is pure alien child.
Bedtime – The glorious time when my child dumps every book off the shelf and onto the floor to find that one book. While contemplating making her clean up said book mess, I succomb to cleaning it up myself because said child will take 1000 times longer and I desperately need my children asleep as soon as possible. As I present each child their chilled water, I am met with resistance because I did not include the f***ing ice in the royal one’s chalice. At which time I succomb to retreating for ice because I am weak, feeble and exhaustion has set in… And just as the sun sets each day, my heirs inevitably yield to slumber.

Those sweet, slumbering facets inspire me to do it all over again tomorrow.
Concierge service has now expired for the evening as I exit the royal suite… As I look around, I shed a single tear because my beloved palace looks less majestic and more like a Sunday morning in a frat house. I contemplate cleaning said palace for a moment, but then I’m reminded tomorrow will only bring the same post-frat house feel. So what is a 5 star Concierge Mom to do?!?
Wine. I pour myself a generous, victorious glass of wine as I prepares for morrow’s wakening.
by Lucy Riles, Life of Mom Co-founder

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